This is an opportunity to be better prepared for the next hit

This is quite an opportunity and a bane. 

My kids and spouse are at home the whole day. And will be in the foreseeable future. Even better, I am home too - with them. Forgive the intended sarcasm, but suddenly in addition to being an entrepreneur and running a non-profit, I am a full time homemaker, teacher, cook, a spouse listener and of course, I write too. 

The last few weeks have been creative and tiring in equal doses. Oh yes I have gone through the rigmarole of digi-coffee meets, and binging on Netflix – launched a couple of new projects amidst all this, and kept connected to friends and family. But with a full house I have realised the only thing that will keep me going is being realistic about what I can and can’t pull off and the willingness to at least try. 

Given the nature of my work, I am reading quite a bit about how the pandemic is hitting women more than men. I don’t only mean economically, but also in terms of division of work, absorbing more of the household responsibilities and caring of children and seniors at home. 

We know that there are staggering inequalities in gender pay across industries, especially for women on the lower end. Women also work more part-time or home based jobs than men. It was nice a few weeks ago, when the kids were in school, the house help around to manage the house and women could work in peace. Now as it is happening in most families, there are too many people awake and around at the same time. And they are all family. 

Whenever a pandemic hits, economies slow down and individual earnings dwindle. Men for the most part of it bounce back to their earlier earnings, women - not so much. Lifetime earnings are affected by such calamitous events. Dual income families take a tough call on who gets to continue working and who manages the home when there is no paid staff to take care of the home. Women bear the brunt. Single income or single parent families have it tougher. 

So how do you keep it real? 

I am forever negotiating with my kids and my spouse. These new co-workers of mine, they take quite a lot of liberty with me. So there is no such thing as over communication. Of course I let slide the occasional snuggle and cuddle, but apart from that this is my space and I am invisible to you when I work is my mantra for now. 

There are 3 hours everyday where I have scheduled my quiet time. The kids can have ipad time after lunch or be engaged with their reading and they know that I am not to be disturbed during that time. Of course my kids are a little grown up now and understand these instructions, but I have asked my spouse to be my deputy in such situations. If hell breaks loose (can’t open the lid of the water bottle, or losing the print-out or zoom crashes), they go to the spouse. Mom is to be left alone. 

My spouse and I have finally created that chore calendar. With the kids’ names against many chores too. My youngest one’s favorite chore is to fluff up the cushions on the sofa (it needs doing!). My boys also have chores like taking out the trash, setting the table, putting clothes in the washing machine, drying the dishes after they are out of the dishwasher and wiping the dinner table after meals.

We keep reiterating all the time that this is an all hands on time for the family and for everybody. So all of us have to keep doing things around the house. 

I let my kids sleep in late. That’s the one thing that I have up my sleeve. I am fine if they wake up by 9 in the morning. It gives me some silence, some time to read and catch up with my spouse. We are both full time parents at the moment, so having a conversation that doesn’t always involve the kids is important. For once I am missing his constant “let’s eat healthy” spiel. 

The toughest bit so far is homeschooling the kids. We are trying to stick to the curriculum and what we can glean off the internet for them. Post Easter their zoom conferences with their friends and teachers, won't just mean a laptop entirely, but will also present bandwidth issues. My elder one is fluent with tech, internet and taking prints and the sort. So we engage him to manage the younger one.

But yes, this has meant an upheaval of the entire family routine. 

In times like these, I don’t know if women are programmed that way or if they are the natural choice for it, women step up. I know you are probably thinking that women are better at multitasking, well, not really. They are no better at it than men, they just do it more often. For example I am writing this article right now and really I can’t be picking up after my kids at the same time. But it is on my mind. And I might get to it after the article.

The second shift that many women allude to, the one that starts after their paid work ends is still a reality. 

What can you do as a man to ensure that your partner doesn’t resent this time at home? How can you share the load? 

Ask what needs to be done. Make a mental note of it and get to it the next time by yourself. If you see the groceries are going to run out, go get some. 

Engage your kids while she’s working, so she can spend some time inside her head too. 

The point is that women have a higher mental load. They are aware of too many things not being done, or not being done well. As her partner, you probably might not do them perfectly, but get them done anyway. 

Now for the woman. What can you do to keep yourself sane? 

Accept that there will be some mess around. If you are teaching your kids to help around the house, it will get messy before it gets better. Let them manage it. Step back. 

There’s a cool thing that I have come up with. I have this bright red scarf that I wear when I have to laser focus on something. Having the red scarf on means I am invisible to my kids and my partner. No matter what happens they can’t walk up to me. It is my space. I am saying this because in smaller homes, physically keeping a space to yourself may be super tough. 

Tell your partner and your kids what needs to be done by when. You are a fabulous people manager at work, no reason why you can’t apply the skill set at home. 

Now let’s take two steps back.

This is probably the first pandemic of its kind that we are living through. Most likely it will not be the last. That said there were more and enough indicators in place that were warning nations of an impending pandemic of such proportions. However, many of us, my family and I included, didn’t foresee a shut down of this extent. I urge you to take these possibilities as not once in a lifetime event but as an eventuality. The practices you put in place now, for your homes, for your own sanity will serve you well once this lets up. If we continue to treat this as a passing phase that doesn’t need our involvement, we will suffer and it will take us longer to get back to who we were. 

Globalisation is not only spreading the disease, but economies of most countries are tanking. We reacted this time, the next time probably we will be more proactive. Andhence better prepared.